multiconstruct.net

Within the last month or so i heard  a story on NPR about dogs. It covered a study proving what i had already observed that yawning, which is known to be contagious, is so between dogs and our own naked primates. It also pointed out that yawning is not contagious with folks with autism, theorized to be a lack of empathy. Therefore dogs have empathy. I already knew all of the facts of the story but had not put those things together, though i am not surprised. Dogs are very emotion based. We know from other studies that dogs are more able to identify human emotions than even our close cousins the chimpanzee. To the extent that dogs have consciousness, not being able to pass the Mirror Test they presumably lack self-consciousness, i believe it is built emergently out of emotional processes unlike our forebrain centered consciousness that is presumably built out of administrative functions. Consciousness is an information process and is not to be confused with the biological processes that support it. “When the finger points to the stars the dog looks at the finger”. Self consciousness is more heavily clustered in mammals with fore brains, us, the great apes and elephants(?). But dolphins, and presumably whales though yet to be tested, pass the mirror test and demonstrate other traits of personhood (tool use for ex.- wild-dolphins put sponges on the tips of their noses to root for food in corral). A self-consciouss built out of the mammalian brain is possible. And what of bird self-consiousness? some can pass the mirror test. Consciousness built out of reptilian  survival drive.  Our consciousnesses,  information processes, than probably carry  theses subustructures of emotion and drive information systems that have the potential to  achieve self consciousness. I welcome any correction on my musings on neruo-science, socio-biology, and philosophy.

I turned 40 this week and now i am a man. It feels good, i am happy with where i am with my life. Better than i thought it would turn out. I am thankful and greatful and i feel gifted and strong. I’m getting promoted. Same job different title, more money most likely, an extra meeting a week when i can swing it to be part of the administrative team. Sweet. I gave this kickass presentation on my birthday day when the agency rewrote the treatment plan to how i do treatment plans. My team who’ve heard all this before because i am a big believer of the 5 minute workshop, and just give me a chance to pontificate, said i was preaching. And I was. We build on individuals strengths not their problems. We look at problems as “opportunities for development”, to be aware of, not to base your life upon. We ask “if you woke up tomorrow and your life was perfect what would it look like?” It puts us in the Miracle Business instead of the Problem Solving business. I talked about setting goals: significance, achievability, time limited, postively stated,

I got a compliment on the 2 line poem i posted, which didn’t make sense until i looked at the page. I had put in 2 complete poems and then it crashed. When i started it back up the poems were still there so i hurriedly published and lo and behold 2 lines. Second times the charm….

I believe in magic and god and all good things

I believe in the power of the soul

To touch the mindlike basis of material reality

And so become the whole

I believe in angels and fairies and listening to canaries

When they say the mine’s gonna blow

Watching for signs and divining designs

And knowing which way to go

I believe that the universe exists

For i have seen and heard parts of it

I have tasted of the summer fruit

And smelled the coming rain

Felt the gentle breeze

As it rolled across the plain

Not first in nobodies’ heart

We walk this world alone

Like a single set of polar bear tracks

Covered by the blowing snow

We are destined to live out our lives

And then it is our lot to die

Never knowing what will be our fate

When we leave this world of lies

But i believe that i am body, soul and spirit

For i have lived and loved and felt the One

I have felt the power of god

And danced with a spirit

Felt my soul leave my body

To touch someone near it

Not first in nobodies’ heart

We walk this world alone

Like a single set of polar bear tracks

Covered by the blowing snow

We are thinking machines

But so much more

We carry the spark of the divine

And our souls can live for all eternity

Look to your dreams for the sign

i believe in magic and god and all good things

i believe in the power of the soul

I got that question recently and as i often do i gave a rather bungled answer. For one i’ve put some thought into and answered regularly you’d think i’d have an answer. I do but i have lots of them, talking points depending on who asks. Sometimes none of them really seem to fit and i sputter around trying to answer the question. As with perhaps all binary questions the real answer is yes, no, neither yes nor no, both yes and no, and the question is meaningless. Its a big universe.

What i would have liked to have said might be something like this. I believe in the universe for lots of good reason. I believe in my own existance for many more. I have looked to see what i am and have some preliminary conclusions at least. I am consciousness with volition, the ability to process sensory information, remember the past, imagine almost anything, and i have some degree of self awareness. I know my consciousness arises in a process of emergence, self organization of simple routines. I believe the universe is likewise. Like my brain and body spinning off mind stuff that has achieved self awarenss it is conceivable to me that the universe has done likewise. The physical universe is perhaps 18 billion years old. I am fascinated by science and believe it is telling a largely self consistent narrative of how things came to be and see no serious reason to doubt the universe began with a Big Bang some time ago. As the first stars formed planets coalesced as well, perhaps 17 1/2 billion years ago. On one of those planets life arose which achieved self consciousness for the first time. On that planet one being had to be the first, allowing the first conversation and the creation of the information universe. Before this the universe consciousness had no one to talk to and without another there is no self consciousness. We are created through conversation. Words are the component of the internal dialogue the matrix of the self. In the beginning was the word and the word was god and the word was with god. Information has no particular location nor time. It just is. This first being achieved self consciousness and created the information universe and for all practical purposes invented god as they reflected each other. I have no reason not to think this first being incarnated on this planet as Jesus. I have had religious experiences that lend this idea credence, I don’t ask you to believe on my word but i challenge you to have your own experiences in whatever way is meaningful to you. Spirituality to me is less about what you believe and more about what you experience, though of course our experiences are mediated by our beliefs. the 2 forces that shape our higher consciousness are love and meaning. Deny a newborn love and it will die. Once we exist we can live without it, i have seen evidence of this but there is no evidence a self consciousness can develop without love. Nor can it exist without meaning. Meaninglessness would prohibit communication and we are created in a social context. No man is an island but every man and every woman is a star. A luminous being of the light of consciousness. We shine in this world and another, though it be just a story that is alright. Thats all anything is, anything real. Until its a story its existance is only as potential. probability. Reality breaks down into probability without an observer. Why is heaven referred to as the Book of Life? Jesus said both i have made many mansions and ye shall do far greater things. He quotes Psalm 82:6, ye are gods but shall die like men. Each of us creates our part in the universe of ideas. Mediated by our experiences in the material world we create a self and equip it with tools; ideas, language, stories, memories, the capacity for imagination and conversation. These are the treasures of heaven that moth and rust cannot destroy. The ideas of things are more real than the things themselves. So i am a christian in that i am a co-heir with christ. I am a child of the god that made the universe, if not by creation than observation, as i suspect the universe made god as much as the other way around. The god i tip my head to is the sum total of all things, the emergent organization of all mind in the universe, all that is and all that has ever been, and all that anyone could ever imagine anywhere and anywhen, and probably more as well. Its too big for words. All words lie in that they create necessary assumptions that obscure the total truth.

While writing that last post I got a work call. A client was passed out drunk and there was some homeless guy with more beer locked my co-worker out of the house and wouldn’t let her check on the client. I told her she’d had a long day and to go home and i would get in and check on client and try to talk him into going to detox. Random Dude wouldn’t answer the door and a neighbor filled me in on the scene and got Random Dude to come to the door. I put my business card in the door and told him to let me in and check on client’s safety or i would call the po-pos to do it for me. He let me in my client was safe for the moment, not ready to evict the homeless and go to detox, so i scheduled an appt. for the morning. I could have strong armed him into detox and put smug little random dude on the street but i respect peoples right to choose, even badly. Frankly between you and me most people’s choices seem ill considered to me. Look at the planet and you’ll see what i mean. We broke the weather for god’s sake. I could have justified my ape dominance behavior. Drag the crippled monkey where i wanted him to go. Make the little chimp go sleep in the streets because i could and he defied me. But being aware that most human interaction is chimp politics. Dominance and submissive behavior. I sat on the floor when i talked to the drunk and apologized for intruding to both with my only castigation a fact based account of how they were destroying my client’s life. I called my co-worker to update her on the situation and i said we assertive community treatment not aggressive. I feel like it is easy for me to rationalize almost anything i do to give it at least the appearance of being reasonable. Who said The cost of freedom is eternal vigilance?

The driver of the van that had immediately pulled over, apparently at my command, was a dumpy looking woman in her early 50s perhaps. She looked remarkably like my mom, shorter lighter hair but largely the same feel, gestalt if you will. She pulled back into traffic and asked where i was headed. I told her i didn’t know and preceded to explain that i’d inadvertently fallen in with an apparent gang of international drug smugglers and that i’d fled coercion into smuggling because i didn’t know what to do. She drove as i explained this listening intently with no apparent disbelief. She pulled off at an exit and parked next to a small park. She said it was foolish and dangerous to get involved with drug smugglers and i should be very careful. She said the Schipbol was dangerous, a frequent pathway for smugglers and heavily surveilled. She suggested i leave by Denmark I think it was, and she drew me a map of the easiest way to cross the border. I told her i had already ditched the drugs but she looked like she didn’t believe me. She was excited and concerned and looked near tears but happily so. She dug in her purse and pulled out a 50 guilder bill. She pushed it into my hands with the map which i remember as being on a cocktail napkin and made me promise not to spend it on drugs. i promised her i wouldn’t and impulsively added that i would use some of it to call my mom. i pulled out my backpack and walked across the park to find the train station she had mentioned on the map.

I was overcome by a tremendous weariness. I again recalled it must have been over 10 days. It was defininitely in the middle of the second week I’d slept last and if we were to leave today it was day 21. I saw children playing and such and looked for an out of the way place to rest. I wouldn’t sleep, that wouldn’t be safe but i could not go on. I walked around some bushes, benches, perhaps a calliope and came to a bench out of the way. I sat my bag down and stretched out, I closed my eyes, the weariness overcame me.

I looked up to yet another blocky blonde guy with a big forehead and a strong chin. This one looked a bit more rural, bibs perhaps, or jeans and a flannel, he was older but in the prime of life, muscled in a workingman kind of way and he was holding an axe. Not menacingly but prominently across his chest. He asked me what i was doing there? He appeared nervous but trying to hide it. I couldn’t decide if he were making conversation and just happened to have an axe or if he using it as a badge of authority to question my possible vagrancy. I looked over and saw the train stop, i couldn’t find, across the street and said i was waiting for a train. “Well be about it then” as the train rolled into view. It was definitely the homeless guy push off and i took it.

I rode the train the way it was going. I looked at the map on the train and tried to determine where i changed lines. I pulled out my cocktail napkin map and realized it was like a 3rd grade geography assignment kind of map that marked like the borders of a few countries but didn’t have anything about train lines and such and i couldn’t remember what the mom-lady had said. I rode the train until things looked familiar and i was able to find the stop closest to the mind spa.

I walked to the door and rang the bell, unsure of what i was looking for, what i would do if no one answered the door, what i would do if someone did. Our host opened the door and looked mildly surprised to see me. I asked if he had heard from Debbie and he said he hadn’t. I told him we were separated and i had missed my plane and come there to see if she had called. he said she hadn’t but i could come in and work out what to do. I told him that was alright. I had friends i was going to stay with and thanks just the same. He seemed surprised but didn’t argue.

I walked to a one of the resterants that had a small necessities counter and bought a pack of cigarettes. Galouis blondes I was smoking then. I thought of my promise not to buy drugs and did it anyway. Oh i wanted one. I took the change to a payphone and flipped through the business cards i had collected over the last couple of weeks, there were about 10 but mostly Americans who wanted me to look them up in the states. I had gotten the number of a tarot card reader I had let come in and set up at the cannabis cup. We had talked pretty intensely and he had given me a reading fraught with meaning that i no longer recall. I do recall its eerie prescience as certain events unfolded over the coming weeks but the vast majority of what occurred is lost to me, was lost to me then.

Since I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks i feel an update is in order. It has been a pretty hairy couple of weeks and my down time has shrunk to virtually nil. I’m barely reading, even, and thats usually the last thing to go no matter how busy things get. Mostly I’ve been reading comic books of late. I bought a whole box of them for a dollar and i’ve been working my way through them slowly but surely. I am also reading Summerland by Michael Chabon which is a little disapointing. His The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Klay is one of my favorite books. Its about the early days of comic books, coincidentally enough, and two Jewish cousins who are comics artists and how they deal with Nazis and stuff. Its really great and has some interesting metaphysics talking about Superman (Kane  & Schuster’s not Neitchze’s) as a golem. I also really like his newest The Yiddish Policeman’s Union a sort of alternative history where Jewish refugees had been settled in Alaska rather than denied sanctuary and left to the holocaust and a hard boiled Jewish detective is trying to solve the mystery of the murdered messiah. Also metaphysically interesting. Summerland, not so much. There’s too much baseball and the fantasy is a bit cheezy. I’d recommend comic books. Besides not reading and not blogging I’ve been spending a lot of time at the house. I am starting to settle in though I am ashamed to say i haven’t finished even some of the basics of a move in cleaning. I’ve been doing a lot of lawn stuff. Bought a push reel mower which is fun but a lot of work. i also bought a weed whip for the annoying tall grasses the push reel leaves behind. Its not as pretty as the manicured golf green types that surround the place but its better than most hippy lawns and the carbon foot print is a sight better. I have also been steadily turning over ground, the less to mow. I planted lilac bushes (struggling but normal i hear), a persimmon tree, some lillies (looking real sharp), plus a vegetable plot with cucumbers (I opened the last jar of bread & butter pickles to celebrate, when i was a kid we would plant some corn in the center of the hill for shade but this year i am going to try Cosmos), tomatoes (beef steaks - a hybrid), basil, marigolds (repels bugs from the tomatoes) and two rows of carrots and radishes (the radishes come up quick to mark the rows). Tomorrow i hope to put in some okra and i also have summer squash (2 kinds) and something else. I have been real pleased with the soil, its a little clayey but there is some definite topsoil action going on. I also got my compost bin up & running. Its been mostly fun hanging out with dad. It has been a huge struggle with smoking being around it all the time. I had a bad spell and went back on the chantix and am back on track which makes me feel good. It was really work that pushed me over the edge, coming back from Michigan and my cousin’s wedding to driving out at 9:30 at night to see a suicidal client was just too much. I’m becoming a little frayed. Last night i got a call our homeless client getting out of jail, 9:30 at night no place to take him. i let him crash on the floor of the guest room. It was too much to pick up his gear i was storing in the garage and take him out and put him out to camp in the wet somewhere. So had a client here when i went to bed and when i woke. Saw two other’s today, taking them to Oxford House (self run recovery cooperative houses) interviews. One got accepted which will make my life easier as i won’t have to run out to the sticks (styx?) to pick him up every other day. I think i am going to take a comp day on Thursday to make up for it. Working on the house and hanging with dad has made me realize how much energy i put into work (way too much). Nonetheless i am a good american, working in my yard, spending money i don’t have, enjoying the luxuries of 3 bedrooms, 2 baths and a 2 car garage. Last weekend i couldn’t help but think the honored war dead would be proud, for if i can’t buy top of the line appliances just because i don’t have the money than the terrorists will have won.

Order phentermine online
Viagra use in women
Phentermine price
Cialis levitra better
Difference between cialis and viagra
Xanax drug test
Leflunomide
Why phentermine
Viagra sales online
Discounted phentermine with no prescription
Sildenafil
Phentermine 30 mg ordered with discover card
Chloramphenicol
Low price phentermine
Buy phentermine yellow
Butorphanol
Prinivil
Phentermine and glaucoma
Cialis levivia viagra vs vs
Trazodone
How quick can you lose weight with phentermine
Nabumetone
Lasix
Cortisone
Buy cialis viagra
Ordering phentermine
Picture of xanax
Buying viagra online
Buy phentermine prescription
Phentermine ship to florida
Buy Lorazepam
Overnight shipping phentermine
Buy viagra line
Primidone
Procarbazine
Viagra cialis levivia dose comparison
Xanax and grapefruit
Viagra erection
Glucotrol
Phentermine online pay with mastercard
Diet diet dieting phentermine pill
Viagra
Lotrimin
Bricanyl
Herbal viagra affiliate
Counterfeit viagra
Phentermine online prescriptions
Add a link viagra
Frontier pharmacy phentermine
Guanadrel
Generic viagra soft tab
Cialis drug for impotence
Online viagra sale
Permax
Adipex meridia phentermine xenical
Phentermine no prescription
Menadione
Order vicodin
Enebrel
Discount viagra europe
Generic name viagra
Beclomethasone
Phentermine no rx needed
Ambien cr
Nolvadex
Prozac
Viagra treatment migraine headache
Adipexdrug addiction order phentermine online
Nisoldipine
Hydrocodone apap 5 500
Fioricet information
Mepenzolate
Phentermine mexico
Lopressor
Atenolol
Cialis injury lawyer ohio
Soma drug
Klonopin xanax
Cytotec
Remeron
Terbutaline
Viagra patent expiration
Viagra results
Glucotrol
Buy consultation free hydrocodone online tramadol
Phentermine 37 5mg and mastercard
Meloxicam
Low cost viagra
Cheapest place to buy phentermine online
Order ambien online
Nadolol
Premphase
Acetazolamide
Tamoxifen
Xanax dosing
Viagra use
Buy tramadol
Phentermine shipped to florida
Zetia
Canadian pharmacy phentermine
Lowest price phentermine
Xanax effects
On line vicodin
Xanax and depression
Butoconazole
Cheapest viagra price
Pyridium
Estradiol
Zyrtec
Lamictal
Phentermine and atkins diet
Online phentermine sale
Isoniazid
Lexapro and phentermine
Diamox
Xanax
Norgestrel
Metformin
Oxycontin xanax bars perclesept and lortab
Buy phentermine online cheap
Cetirizine
Extra cheap phentermine c.o.d. Payment
Where to buy viagra online
Fda approved phentermine
Impotence pill viagra
Phentermine with no prior prescription
Does xanax show up on drug tests
Colace
Clofibrate
Drug loss phentermine weight
Soma cube
Phentermine ky
Amobarbital
Phentermine hci
Cheap online order viagra
Viagra sale uk
Arimidex
Buy phentermine cod
Terbinafine
Does viagra woman
Hydrocodone m357
Phentermine no perscription
Cleocin
Phentermine for less
Xanax no prescription needed
Cheap viagra online prescription
Mivial valve prolapse viagra
Fluvastatin
Trimethaphan
Online phentermine pharmacy best cheapest

Wednesday I did the final walk through on the house and learned everything was a go for the Thursday closing. My realtor invited me to play kick ball with some of his friends which really turned into big fun. He said bring the leg of David Beckham and the spirit of a 7 year old, and it was a really fun group. I kicked a home run (something i never did as a 7 year old), which i got more excited about then the house, so homeownership hasn’t changed me yet. Yesterday I got the keys and signed my life away but the kickball is going to be a regular Wednesday thing so i think i’m going to be alright. This weekend I’m taking a long one and riding up with The Popster to MI/OH for my cousin’s wedding and to get a truck load of his and my stuff we abandoned with other family members when neither of us had a place. I’m still staying at Sarah’s till maybe the middle of next week but The Popster is probably drinking coffee at the new Trapp homestead right now.

Greetings Constant Reader. Things in COMO continue to progress rapidly and unexpectedly. First of all for those confused by the Back Yard Not Included post everything is still on track for the house purchase. That was an older post that I inadvertently saved instead of posted and then posted later when I noticed my error. I do that sometimes. The house thing is going well. We had the inspection which went fine I identified some stuff for them to fix and they agreed to fix it. I also arranged my homeowners insurance and notified the bank who have scheduled the appraisal, which is the last thing that could potentially be a hitch as it has to appraise for the sale price or higher. I suspect it will, I added 10 grand to the sale price for the home insurance. Also talked to the bank about closing a week early, because my life is not filled with enough unexpected change. Actually I did it so my dad could unload his pick up truck before we drove up to Michigan for my cousin’s wedding. That way we can load it up with a bunch of our stuff that we have left with various kinfolk. I have kept my stuff scattered over multiple states for years so it will be nice to work for consolidating it all here in COMO. It is a little mind numbing trying to pull everything together, while still maintaining my life, such as it is. I am having to take things day by day, especially since my dad arrived. Hosting out of town company is a lot of work, especially while I try to keep a smallish footprint here at Sarah’s house, as taking in a 71 year old retired truck driver was not really one of her life goals. She has been out of town for the weekend which has been nice, just for space reasons. I should be packing but I’m not. I got my case notes caught up with, as at work we have a grant report due next week so I have this whole data collection thing on top of all the other things I have to do so some shit has been falling through the cracks. It seems like I get up make coffee and small talk with the popster roll into work jam all day roll home and rustle up dinner and more small talk and then its time to go to bed. Thank god for the weekend. Cooked a nice family style meal yesterday. Looks like I’m still stuck with most of the cooking unless I pick up a taste for hamburger helper. Dad did make a pretty good breakfast, and I learned the secret to cooking bacon as well as cube steaks on the grill is low heat. For the most part things are going well with Dad. We do come from 2 different worlds so we are having to work at meeting in the middle. I think it will be easier when we have the place so we can start doing our own things. If it wasn’t for the invention of whole grain white bread I don’t think we would have made it. Myrtle is a treat, although she’s pretty spoiled. She’s about 12 inches tall and about 20 lbs with longish black hair. She’s got a black tongue so she’s got some chow in her but she’s itty-bitty. The shelter she came from said she was chow and blue tick hound, but I don’t see the hound except for her floppy ears, but we call her a chow hound nonetheless. I took her jogging with me again today and I don’t think she had recovered from yesterdays because she slipped her collar and ran away on the back stretch today. She screamed like I was beating her when I was trying to get her collar back on. Thank god I tired her out so she couldn’t run away. Maybe my brothers right to call her Turtle. So this week I work all week including my batterers group and my data collection project. Close on the house (I hope I have enough money). Get utilities turned on if theres time and leave afterwork on Friday for Michigan. Wedding on Saturday (still have to pick Dad out a shirt), barbecue at Olson’s on Sunday, and drive back on Monday to start my new life in my new home. Of course we’ll be sitting on the floor because I’m out of money to furnish it. All in all things are going splendidly. I am looking forward to planting my persimmon tree and putting in a garden plot. If the wifi gods are kind perhaps I’ll be able to pick up a signal at the new house and I will be more on top of this whole blog thing.